Neptune Sq Neptune

In astrological terms, Neptune square Neptune is the mid-life crisis.  My midlife crisis did not come on quickly. it was a very slow and deliberate unraveling, until every bit of the fabric I was made of piled into a frayed mess. A phrase better than midlife crisis for me, might be midlife upheaval because everything I thought I knew about myself and my life was turned upside down, including me. I've been experiencing existential crises on a regular basis since I was about 18. The doctors diagnosed my "crazy talk" (along with accompanying symptoms ) as manic depression or bipolar 2
So, this time around, how was this existential crisis different than the rest? The significant difference is that this crisis lasted a helluva lot longer than any previous ones, and felt so much deeper; deep into my bones and on a cellular level. I also had the aid of my kickass astrologer, who informed me that was embarking on the planetary phase known as the midlife crisis. Everyone who makes it this far in life hits this milestone- but it affects each of us differently. The position of Saturn in my chart resulted in some 'weight of the world' heavy shit.

This crisis differed from the rest because I truly am at a midpoint in life and therefore at a vantage point to reflect on years gone by and look to the brightness ahead, in what years I have left to walk this planet.

Constant questions, the 'WHY's' of my existence, the 'WHAT IFs' and 'what is the goddamn purpose of any of it' harassed me violently for months.  All my life choices paraded before my eyes for critique, condemnation and desperation. I questioned my choice not to have children, not to marry, to get clean and sober, even becoming a teacher. The thought, that a steady job ruined my life came to mind. The hopes of publishing novels, dreams of performing onstage and going on tour with my band all sat quietly in a box on the shelf while I achieved financial + job security, became accustomed to a standard of living (that was not poor), looked after my health and mental illness. I became a dependable worker, not flippant enough to quit my job every time I wanted to take a long trip, invested in this bullshit capitalist system that does not value it's workers. Maybe I've wasted the last 14 years of my life teaching high school kids who don't give a crap, and sadly I won't ever see the results of my labor.

Where am I now? Walking through it, though I am not even close to the other side. I have huge relapses of immobile days of depression or hours of anxiety, listlessness or lethargy. There are bright moments and a soft and silly 28 lb dog named Billie Holiday, and antidepressants + mood stabilizers, coffee, chocolate, salt baths, witchcraft, recovery program, lifting weights and my community of folx. For now, I am still here.